shar

I don't know why.

All the stories that I've written so far are all sad stories. They're all about guilt or loss. Or regret. Anger. About rape or suicide. About death.

I don't know why.

And if you actually meet me and get to know me, I'm not that sad of a person. In fact, I think I'm a generally happy person.

So why is it, that when I'm doing the one thing that I love to do in whole world, I become an exact opposite of who I am? Why does it make me that way?

I never thought I'd be here.

If this situation had presented itself a while ago I would have definitely taken it and dealt with it different that how I am doing it now. I don't really know what it is that I am doing, but it feels right. Then again, that feeling has proven me wrong before. I don't know if I can trust that feeling.

-


The evening stood, quite still, just as it did the night before. Almost as it were thinking the thoughts floating about in her head along with her.

I think maybe this is it. It's gonna work now.

I was completely honest to him tonight, and for the first time, I didn't cry (that's a good deal to me okay) and I didn't have to regret not having said anything else. I told him how I felt and how I wanted to be friends at least, but that I also understood that it might make her feel uncomfortable. I told him all the things that I had been wanting to say but was too afraid to say it. He knew all of it already, I knew he did but I felt like I had to say it just to make it real. And I finally got to use the word abyss!

I feel.. I don't know, relieved? Free? Cannot really explain it but definitely glad. I thought I was gonna screw up talking to her but I didn't think I did. I hope she heard me say I was happy for them, because that's really important, that has to be clear.

I think tonight the two ends of the circle finally met, and let's pray that it only gets better for all of us from here.

Thank you so much Dayah for having my back no matter what, Marlina for having faith in me and believing that I will do the right thing, Fahi for being there for me (jiwaarabforlifebruh lol), Farshad for understanding, and Shafiqah for giving this a chance.

Now, I'm hungry and sleepy. Had zero meals today, but I'm gonna crash goodnight!

It was an accident.

I was checking my Facebook messages and I saw the one I sent to you a few days ago. Then I accidentally scrolled up and saw the ones from way back. I read each and every one, and the difference between the messages then and now, almost broke my heart again.

I didn't expect it to still hurt. After all this while. What is wrong with me? I thought I was okay. I was trying so hard, trying so hard to just not think of you. To dismiss any thoughts of you. But small square pieces of coloured paper reminds me of you. The first 25 seconds of Halo reminds me of you. Leo Tolstoy reminds me of you.

9 months. I am ashamed of myself.

I will always ask myself, ask myself if maybe you feel these feelings too. If you still keep my little notes. If you still press the keys on your keyboard and remember that one particular hour of one particular day. If you write in the book I gave you - if you still have it.

And if you did, I will always wonder how you could give yourself away despite it. Why you would make the exact same mistake I did. The one that put us all here in the first place. I was so stupid. You, of all people, would know exactly how much it hurts to be in that situation.

Sometimes I get angry, it gets overwhelming. I get angry at myself for not being able to control my emotions, for not being strong enough, strong enough to calm myself down. I get angry. And it makes me want to hurt you, makes me want to say mean things that I know will hurt you, because when I'm angry I feel like you deserve it.

You ignored me. You made me feel and look like a complete fool. You made me have to read her call me a bitch, telling me to stop trying so hard to "being back the past". Like she would know how I feel. Like she would know what I want. Not a single word, or text, or e-mail. And then the one time that we actually exchange words and participated in an actual conversation, was because you needed my help.

It makes me sick. It makes me feel so weak. I lie on my bed at night and I tell myself not to make the same mistake again but sometimes I'm so lonely.

I just re-read this and even that made me sick.

So I'm a bitch and I should stop trying too hard to be friends with you. Even if that was what I thought you wanted.

*sniff

"Don't fall babygirl, don't fall again."

Keep yourself together now.

I never thought this was possible. It all started when I picked up my pen and it just began...flowing. The words, the tears. I couldn't think - but my hand was moving and my vision, it was blurry but I could see the tip of my pen dancing in the air and in the background I saw words. Words that I didn't plan on putting down but they just kept appearing. I wasn't in control. My mind was telling me something.

The room was silent. And the only thing that broke the darkness was the orange light coming from the table. It went on and on until the sobbing and sniffing overpowered the flipping of the pages. I didn't know, I didn't understand. I wasn't doing anything, it was doing itself. I couldn't possibly be doing anything, I was too distraught and emotionally unstable to even think of -

And then I broke into a cry. An unmuted, fully audible cry. I was sobbing so hard that my chest was pounding. Back and forth, back and forth. I felt my face go red with blood, my neck patterned by the veins that carry it.

And when all was over, I looked back at what I wrote. And then suddenly, I understand. Just like that, it came to me. I understood every single word. And I understood why it hurt so bad to write them, how I had refused to it. How it felt unreal to realise it. And then I got what my mind was telling me.

Sometimes it takes just a little bit of crazy to get things right. Sometimes you shouldn't think - just release. Get out of your mind, out of your body and see what happens. It might just show you right. It's okay if it sounds insane.

Insane is exactly what works for me.

Deep mode.

The only bad thing about being on holiday forever now, and being single, is that I have all the time in the world to remind myself that I'm alone. I used to struggle balancing my time between my crazy-heavy projects and/or meeting my (then) boyfriend. And well, now that I have all the time I can get, I don't have anyone to spend it with.

But I guess ending everything at the same time can be good too. It's like ending a chapter, and starting a new one. Being alone has it's pros. I get to really think about me, what I want to do with my life because it's time I did that. And it's not like I am TOTALLY alone with no one else that knows me. I have friends, really good ones too.

But hey, life's not all about boyfriends right?




Fuck who am I kidding, it's a big part of mine

although you are biased, i love your advice. your comebacks are quick and probably have to do with your insecurities.

Ah fuck. I just can't wait for you to talk to me and tell me everything so I won't be in doubt / denial / confusion / emotional stress / depression and whatsoever.

Relieve me of this. Please. I know you can. You always save me. So save me now.